. . . I think I’m on to something . . .
Remember when I was saying that I kept having inspiring thoughts away from the keyboard, but sitting down brought quiet? I realized that The Quiet is just what I need.
Call it “Postmarathon let down,” or “Needing a New Project,” or feeling angry about N’s death, or perhaps the beginning of a mid-life crisis. Call it anything, but the result equaled unexpected bouts of high anxiety and it was really starting to wig me out. Every other minute felt like a dramatic “do or die” crossroads laced with overtones of nihilistic “what’s the point anyway?”. Andy even agreed that perhaps I should see my old therapist, Barbara, at $170 a pop.
But that got me thinking, What would Barbara say? Perhaps the very same thing she said to me on my very first appointment with her. Have I been doing yoga?
What happens when a person does yoga? Quiet comes.
So I sat down today with the purpose of being quiet. It didn’t last long; but intention matters. And I realized that I’m not going to THINK my way out of this. I’m going to BE out of it. By breathing. By listening. To nothing.
It’s no wonder these feelings of anxiety came along. EVERY. WHERE. WE LOOK there are desperate requests for our attention, our money, our help, our prayers, our time. The information is beeping at us from the gadgets in our hands-attached to our ears-constantly. Here’s one now, literally-just came in. It says, “traffic is exceptionally rad today. may be about 10 min late.”
So the chain of thought becomes: Rad? Is the R near the B on her phone? Or has rad become bad these days? I’m getting old. Or does she mean radical? Is she late so often because I set an awful example? I need to be on time. I need to be more strict. I need to be less strict. I need to take that management seminar. I need to move back east before my parents become fatally ill. I need to clean out the filing cabinets both here and at work first. I need to SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Breathe. What I’m trying to say is that I had underestimated the vast quantity of garbage that I (and every human in modern civilization) is having to cope with. And what is required is more silence. It feels good realizing that.