My Saint

In preparation for a meeting I have this week, this morning I spent of bit of time reading Our House’s website.  In the FAQ, I got to this sentence, “General Grief– Adults who have experienced the death of a friend ….” when I remembered that I dreamt about Frank last night.

It came as a surprise. With an exclamation point: I dreamt about Frank last night!

I’m three hours awake and don’t have a full memory of it. Only flashes.

In the dream, when I first saw him near me, his face was turned away – so I wasn’t sure who it was. Then he turned towards me and I knew. I said, “That is you, Frank!” I was so happy. And he was happy.

Suddenly I was in his home (not the apartment he lived in before he died) but a newer unfamiliar home. He was expecting guests. Preparing food. I helped a little and mostly just talked with him while we moved around getting things ready.

He knew everything that’s going on with me. And it bears repeating, we were happy. Laughing.

Trying to remember it makes me weep … I say “weep” because it’s those tears that just stream out of my eyes quickly and run down my face without pause.

Is this about Frank? It feels like it. It is.

He went on. Not in the dream, but in real life . . . or  more accurately, in real death. His body got sick and he went on to a place where we can’t follow him. Yet.

How apropos that I would have this dream on All Saints Day–a holiday I normally never think of.

Frank, Can you hear me? He might say, “The dead have better things to read than your blog, Ruth. I’m not putting down your writing, it’s just that, this is heaven – we’ve got the best entertainment. I’m having lunch with Carl Sagan ….”

Frank, If you can hear me, I know you’re laughing at me. You’re the one person whose teasing I never minded–because you were so damned good at it. You laughed with all of us in your skillful, benignly relentless mocking.

I love you, Frank. I’m sorry you didn’t get more of the goodness you deserved here. I have to believe none of that matters where you are now. I’m not going to say goodbye to you. Just keep popping up in my dreams, okay.


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